The TARDIS Rant
by The Tin Dogs Bollocks
Summary: This is what I think the TARDIS would say if it got the chance. Part 5: The Master Player and the Ultimate Headf**k
1. Abandonment Issues and Rose Bloody Tyler

**Part 1: **

**Abandonment Issues and Rose Bloody Tyler**

That Doctor would be _nothing_ without me.

I mean seriously, think about it rationally. Would you rather spend the majority of your time wandering a deserted beach somewhere with a bloke is quite arrogant and egocentric or with the same man only in a magnificent time machine? I make that man, I do.

And what thanks to I get? (Apart from a little inappropriate petting, that is) Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zplot.

He drags some bimbo human in me and they just make themselves at home. In their tiny little brains they somehow come to the conclusion that the Doctor is the magnificent one, not the bigger-on-the-inside ship that can take them anywhere and any_time_ in the universe. Half the time the Doctor doesn't even know where he's steering me. There's been a couple of occasions when he's been directing me into a bloody dwarf star and I've had to take drastic action to prevent us all from being horribly burned alive. Then when I land us on a lovely, quiet planet, everyone's all _'oooh Doctor, you're so clever, what a wonderful place to bring us'_ and he's all '_yeah I know I'm fantastic'_ and then he goes and makes this lovely quiet planet all perilous and life-threatening.

I get left for hours. Sometimes even _days_. Just standing in some back alley somewhere or in some stinky barn or in a breezy field. They never think twice about me. There's only so many times you can calculate the approximate size of the whole universe and all its parallel counterparts before you start contemplating shutting down altogether. Then they come racing back, thumping my doors and just bashing my console panel. It wouldn't hurt to be gentle, you know? And there's just no need for that bloody mallet.

And those… _people_ he brings on board. Christ… y'know, they were never really that bad. I didn't mind them much before the Time War. Apart from that dozy Grace – you should have _seen_ what she did to my wiring. A bloody chimp could have done a better job. Seems like when the Doctor realised he was the last of his kind he got desperate. I mean… the bloke has the run of all of space and time, but for some reason only known to him he keeps on going back to Earth! Humans! God I hate humans. Just once… even just for one trip he invites someone who _isn't_ frigging human on board! He thinks they're so brilliant… gosh I can feel a rant coming on.

Rose. Rose bloody Tyler. I was gutted when the Doctor sent me off with her. That just says everything, doesn't it? He would happily leave me to fester on a street corner in London instead of giving me a noble demise and letting me blow up with him. But no, back off to the 2000s I go with a little blonde loudmouth rattling around inside. It wasn't like it was my fault. I didn't take us back. If I could talk I probably would have told her that but _nooo_; she starts bloody bashing me and being little miss drama queen. I was going to take us back, but after the way she went on then… pfft, sod that.

_Then_ the cheeky little mare pulls open my console panel! To you lot that would be like someone pulling your pants down in the middle of the street! I was so shocked all my vortex energy went spilling everywhere. How embarrassing. And what was worse that girl absorbed it! Gosh, I swear if I had cheeks they would have been red. I just rushed us right back, mostly out of complete embarrassment. I have to admit I took a shine to her when she was out there disintegrating Daleks, and then when I realised that my energy was killing her, I thought of it as a bonus. Like 'yay no more silly humans', but then Doctor Fantastic comes shmoozing along with his absolutely _cringeworthy_ chat up line. 'I think you need a Doctor?' Please.

So that kind of backfired. The Doctor carked it, which was a shame really. He hadn't been around very long and he was quite good at tightening my bolts. And the worst thing about that whole carry-on? They left behind Captain Jack.

Jesus he's good with a spanner.

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**A/N: I know this seems like major character bashing, but it's just a bit of fun. I always imagined the TARDIS being quite a grump if it could talk. Anyway, next part will most probably concern Doomsday. And stuff. :P**


	2. That New Mug And More Rose Bloody Tyler

**Part 2:**

**That New Mug and More Rose Bloody Tyler**

It's not that I find humans attractive at all; to me they're all ugly. Like something that would float past you while you're travelling through one of the smaller spacedumps, but I had to admit the new regeneration of the Doctor was a slight improvement. Maybe not a _massive_ improvement – he still had a right big kenk and he weighed about the same as a drenched weasel and don't even get me _started_ on that hair – but at least he didn't have those ears anymore.

But my God the personality took a bashing. What's with all the foreign sayings? _Molto bene_? _Allonsy_? I have it on good record that he didn't even know what those words meant until he used them the third or forth time. And that God complex he got. Blimey it was bad enough when he was just moping around and blaming himself for the outcome of the Time War, but now he has to act like baby-sitter to the universe? And those glasses. They don't make him look cleverer, especially when he does that little gormless squint when he puts them on.

Despite the Doctor's newfound gorm, little Rose 'butter wouldn't melt' Tyler got all doughy eyed and giggly, the way humans do when they spot someone who would make a good mate. Weird if you ask me. She knows that he's an alien and that it's _impossible_ for them to conceive. That's the only reason they do that isn't it? To conceive? Oh I've never understood humans. Or Time Lords for that matter.

_Anywho_, I'll slide over all the mushy-slushy Doctor/Rose flirting because…well… I shut myself down when it got too much so if I'm honest I can't really remember much of it. But then all of a sudden, practically out of the blue – Sarah Jane came back!

Oh I was beside myself. Sarah-Jane was one of the few humans who had her head screwed on. And she brought K-9! Oh I miss K-9. We had some good times; the most memorable one when we helped ourselves to a electrical outflow point. We were wasted for days. Good times. Anyway, I remember thinking that maybe I could stomach Rose Tyler and the new gormless Doctor for a while but then… oh I don't know maybe Sarah-Jane got put off by that stupid hair of his, but she decided not to come along. In her place a human even more gormless than the Doctor and Rose combined ended up tagging along instead! Safe to say I was a bit… ahem… _grumpy_ for a while. The kind of grumpy where I took them to a spaceship where I thought they might get harvested for parts. Surprise, surprise they got out of that one and I nearly ended up with _another_ human! This one from the 1700s! I _hate_ the 1700s! Thankfully she died before she could come along but… whoa that was a close one.

After that disappointment I fell into a kind of melancholy. I couldn't really be bothered to put any effort into the space-travel so I pretty much kept us on Earth. Parallel Earth, Earth in the 50s, present Earth, Earth in 2012… then back to present Earth. That was a low time for me. I don't know why, perhaps I was hoping that keeping Rose Tyler close to home would urge her to bugger off. And then I could take the Doctor millions of light-years away from Earth and never have to look at another human as long as I lived. And then when I thought it couldn't get any bloody worse…

The Daleks came back.

To be honest, I have no idea where they'd come from. They're like car keys - always pop up in the weirdest of places; like the fridge or in the cat bowl. And to top that off the Cybermen were also stomping about in their weird metal flares. God all that racket; '_Exterminate! Delete_!' Every five minutes it was. Driving me barmy. Fortunately though I got carted off to a nice quiet basement so I missed out on everything. I didn't mind. I got chatting with a lovely electronic water cooler.

Next thing I know there's some almighty commotion going on outside and I sensed that some idiot had left a rift open somewhere. Were they born in a bloody field? I was dreading the Doctor and Rose coming back, giggling and bouncing around and congratulating each other on a job well done and another army of Daleks disintegrated but, low and behold, the Doctor was on his own.

Well this perked me right up. It was all I wanted, you know? Just a bit peace and quiet. Although I did feel a bit sorry for him, he was awfully low. Moped around for a bit, then parked me near this whopping sun (nearly made my paint peel that did) so he could talk to that bloody Rose Tyler for the last time. Okay, fair enough, it was a little bit sad. No matter how much I ramble on about how irritating the Doctor is I still don't like seeing him upset, but I drew the line at seeing him telling some 20-year-old shop girl that he loved her. I severed that connection and felt quite pleased with myself. It was just me and the Doctor again.

Then _she_ appeared. Out of nowhere. Just to ruin my smugness.

Donna Noble.

How very dare she.

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**A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! Whoooo 2009! Let's hope it's better than 2008, eh? At least I bloody well do. I'm feeling a bit strange because I haven't slept, and I still can't sleep. It's like... my hangover is kicking in but it's going all wibbly wobbly because of the lack of sleep. I predict I'll just pass out at about eleven o'clock. Anywho, thanks for the reviews everyone! **

**Part 3 will most likely concern Martha Jones and the Weeping Angels :D The Master is getting his very own chapter cos the Master is worth it.**


	3. Loudmouth Redheads and Blown Fuses

**Part 3:**

**Loudmouth Redheads and Blown Fuses**

Now you can just _imagine_ my reaction to this. Getting rid of one human just for another one to miraculously appear in her place. It's like someone was playing some cruel joke on me. I actually cried. Well, I can't cry… but I leaked a little residual energy. I would have been happy to shove her out into space and carry on, but the Doctor; always the gentleman. So we ended up heading back to Earth. God I was miserable.

Then again, as usual, the human had a massive freak out when she saw me from the outside. It's upsetting, you know. How would you feel every time someone saw you they started dribbling and talking gibberish or running away screaming? Not very nice, is it? Downright rude it is.

Anyway, while they were off doing whatever it was they were doing, I had the chance to sit and wonder why the higher powers hated me so much. I only got to level three of the self-pitying scale when the Doctor came running back. Here's me being all naïve and thinking we'd lost her as well, but then he started tying string around my console and being generally unruly.

Safe to say I still haven't fully recovered from that trip down the motorway. I'm a time machine, not a frigging racing-ship. The Doctor forgets that. Why the hell does he insist on flying me around? Does he have any idea how ridiculous a little blue box looks flying through space? Does he think it's retro or something? Idiot. I could have quite easily materialised on top of that taxi and stopped it in its tracks. Fair enough everyone inside would have been crushed and killed, but at least I wouldn't be smoking from every single pipe.

I had been so tempted to shift a bit when she jumped from that taxi, but there were kids watching. I didn't want them growing up to be scarred for life because they saw a bride splattered all over the motorway. Wouldn't be very nice for anyone really.

So, she was back on board. Then the Doctor took her to the top of a building to let me rest, apparently (which was crap, he just wanted to check out whether or not she was companion material). She didn't seem that impressed really. More concerned about some wedding or something. I wasn't really paying attention at this point. Anyway, next thing we're under the Thames or something and they bugger off and leave me again. I think nothing of it – nothing new really. So there I am, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I'm dragged out of my silent brooding right into the middle of all the chaos! Getting shot at! I mean, _come on_! A little warning would be nice!

I just tuned out after that. I kind of remember feeling a little damp and something being on fire… and perhaps the faint smell of barbecue but… oh I don't know. I was just bitter that Donna Noble was back. That bellowing voice of hers hurt my pressure valves. We took her home and I sat with my metaphorical fingers crossed, hoping she wouldn't want to come along.

Then the Doctor does _the_ worst thing. The snow trick. Reducing me to a bloody party favour. I could have been sick. My anger was dampened at the last minute though when I heard Donna Noble uttering that God-sent word; 'No'. Oh I had to restrain myself from shining like a Christmas tree. I was chuffed. I got the Doctor back, _minus_ a human, and we set off again. Him with his face like a slapped arse, but that was nothing new.

My happiness didn't last though. Wasn't long before he recruited another simpleton. This one was called Martha Jones, and – oh the mind numbing irony – she was a doctor too.


	4. Martha Grimace Jones

**Part 4:**

**Martha 'Grimace' Jones and Stolen Moments with Captain Jack**

Oh Martha Jones. You know, despite her downright idiocy and gormlessness that could match the Doctor, she was one of the few with an ounce of sense in her head. Because, y'know, she left in the end. Made me like her a bit. Not enough to want her back or anything but… I don't know; I imagine it's the same way you like a wasp because it stung the person in front instead of stinging you.

Mind you she also didn't hang about in the TARDIS as much as the others did. I was left alone quite a lot. Which I wouldn't mind, if the first time I hadn't been left on Earth all alone while the Doctor buggered off to the moon to have a party or whatever they do in hospitals on Earth. Second time I got left in a bloody reeking street. I even got peed on! I mean… look at me! I'm the most spectacular thing in the universe and I got _peed_ on by a peasant from the 1500s! How humiliating.

I just sat and brooded most of the time and let the Doctor show me off to Martha 'Grimace' Jones (I decided to nickname her Grimace because of that weird face she pulled when she was upset). I have to admit though we went to a few more exciting places than we did with Rose. No, I'm lying. I really am. We went to past Earth, present Earth, New Earth… the only 'alien' place we went was a frigging ship full of humans! I am so pig sick of bloody humans! It got so bad the Doctor even _turned himself into a human_!! Into a _human_!! Why would anyone in their right mind want to become a frigging human!?

Oh it was terrible. I was locked away in yet _another_ barn for God knows how long – my only visitor being a little cuckoo who had a penchant for crapping on my roof and Grimace Jones, who just came in and whined for an hour or so before buggering off. The Family popped up, much to _no ones_ surprise, and apparently the Doctor got the hots for some nurse or something. Martha whined on about it for a bit but I wasn't listening. So bloody lost and confused she was; 'Oh what do I do? Oh moan, moan, moan…' I tell you what you should have done, sweetheart; you should have KEPT THE WATCH WITH YOU! Christ sometimes I wonder how the human race and remained alive for so long.

But you know, as usual, that sorted itself out. Although the Doctor got all vengeful and spent a couple of hours with a spider in an ashtray. That's how he gets out his anger you know; puts the spider in the ashtray and just keeps pushing it back down when it tries to scrabble out. I suppose it's better than blowing up planets or wiping out species like some races do. Speaking of psychotic races, guess who made another return? Captain Pepperpot and his band of Kooky Saltshakers. And what mischievous scheme were they up to now? Making themselves part Dalek, part human.

Seriously, even the Daleks are at it.

It was just embarrassing really. Although I didn't see anything; I was conveniently forgotten about and left at the Statue of Liberty. Yes, I had to sit and look up the iron skirt of a giant human for god knows how long.

Going back to the issue of abandonment, I was _majorly_ abandoned when the Doctor and Martha – following the instructions of another human (who was a little more bearable than the rest) managed to get themselves stuck in the 1960s. The Doctor had the notes in his hand – just what the bloody Weeping Angels were, that they were going to nick me and all that – still managed to get stranded. Makes you wonder whether the whole Weeping Angel thing would have come about if Sally Sparrow hadn't gave him those notes. Oh… oh I'm thinking too deep into this whole time travel stuff. For a time machine I have little grasp of cause and effect. It just gives me a headache. Well… energy ache – I don't have a head.

I just put up with it all – well, there wasn't much else I could do really – and then one day we stopped off at Cardiff to power me up. I don't get powered up at all, I just like the feeling I get on that spot. Makes my valves quiver. Anywho, there I was, minding my own business, when who comes running along but Captain Jack!

Well I was chuffed. If I'd had arms and legs I would have ran towards him in slow motion. Then all of a sudden the Doctor is taking me away! It was awful! That Doctor never approved of how well Jack and I got along. I still think he was jealous because Jack could reverse the polarity of my neutron flow better than he could. Anyway, I managed to fight back a bit to give Jack enough time to hang on before I was so rudely torn into the Vortex.

I suppose I could have saved a lot of bother by taking us somewhere like, I dunno… Mars or something… but I got a little carried away and wasn't paying attention to where we were going. Hey, you try having Captain Jack Harkness hanging onto you and see how much you can concentrate on where you're going!

Well, because of my… _ahem_… lapse in awareness… we ended up at the end of the universe. Then the bloody Doctor decided to claim it was _me_ trying to _lose_ Jack. Pfft. So off they shoot again, leaving me in the horrible dark and cold of the end of the universe.

But then something slightly unexpected happened.

The Master happened.

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**A/N: Two updates tonight because I still can't sleep and this is fun to write lol :P Thanks for the reviews everyone! I think it's obvious who the next chapter is about... **


	5. The Master Player and the Ultimate

**Part 5:**

**The Master Player and the Ultimate Headf**k**

The Master. Well, if I'm perfectly honest I'm still a little touchy on the subject of him. I'm quite sure you'll understand why – taking that he turned me into a frigging paradox machine and everything. Do you have any idea how complicated things get when you become a paradox machine? You don't know whether you're coming or going. Usually you're coming and going at the same time! Bloody hectic it is. Painful too. I was ringing my bell like the bloody Hunchback and not a soul came to see if I was okay. Well yes they turned up eventually, but all Grimace did was comment on how sick I looked. Sick? I was _beyond_ sick! I had practically given up on all these fruit cases!

It wasn't just the whole cannibalising thing that ticked me off. The Master has always had this thing of winding me up. That time he got some strange little human to look in the Eye of Harmony (that's the equivalent of watching someone taking their kit off in a changing room) and tried to steal the Doctor's lives. He was really sleazy back then. A right slime ball, both figuratively and literally. Got the best of him, though. Although he tasted a little bit like tomato soup that had been left for a couple of weeks…

Anyway, you imagine my surprise when he came bursting through my doors after I quite clearly remember digesting him. Well I was just absolutely speechless. He comes bumbling in, bleeding all over my floor, and then just casually does a spot of regeneration. Downright rude it was.

Although… well… I'm embarrassed to say it really, but he kind of… well… let's just say I wasn't too bothered about leaving the Doctor behind by the time we hit Earth again. The Master has a way with words, you see. And, well… I've always had a soft spot for him. He's the kind of person who you know you shouldn't listen to, who you _know_ will end up screwing you over big time and will probably be the worst person you ever meet in your life but… oh what can I say? I'm weak.

So, listening to his whisperings and sweet nothings about never going to Earth again – never seeing humans ever again – I took him and his little blonde skank to the end of the universe. At the time I just thought they were going to do a spot of travelling. I didn't mind. It would be nice to have some new faces. Breath of fresh air if you will. Next thing I knew I was back on Earth (on the _Valiant_, so technically just in Earth's atmosphere, but that's just as bad really) and the Master was attacking me with a bloody drill. Frigging psycho.

So I was kind of spacey for a long time. Like I said, it's bloody confusing being a paradox machine. I'm pretty sure I was completely inside out and back to front for about three months. I'm also quite sure that for at least three hours I had turned into a toaster oven. Weird.

But then who comes to my rescue? None other than the dashing Captain Jack Harkness. And how did he do it? No sonic screwdrivers. No reversing of flows of any kinds. He did it with a frigging machine gun. And the Doctor makes it out that guns are so bloody bad.

Well that was a wonderful feeling, finally breaking out of that insanity. Kind of like running across a cornfield in a long flowy skirt and no knickers. Before the whole universe decided to implode because of the frigging Ultimate Headf**k the Master had put into play I decided to rewind everything back a year. It's fun doing that you know, just bashing rewind. I don't get to do it often. Well, that's a big stinking lie – I'm a sodding Time Machine! I do it all the time! What I mean is that I've never done it while standing in one place. I could have quite easily gotten everyone else aboard the Valiant to forget the whole year too; the torture and the agony of being held hostage for so long, and poor Martha could forget her year of walking the Earth. But sod that! Why the hell should they get to carry on in blissful ignorance while I bear all the scars? I'm not that nice.

So… back to normal. Much to my complete distress Jack buggered off again. I knew it would happen sooner or later, but it still hurt. And they didn't even take me to see him go… He didn't even say goodbye properly. Arsehole. So there I was, expecting everything to carry on as normal. Me, the Oncoming Gorm and Grimace.

But Grimace decided to stay behind! Two humans in a row declining to travel? Well I was ecstatic. And… if I'm completely honest… a bit offended. Why does no one want to travel in me anymore? Do I smell? Anyway, after the most painful goodbye in the whole history of cringeworthy goodbyes and when I was thinking that maybe Grimace wasn't actually going to leave at all (either that or try and snog the Doctor or something) off she popped, and off we popped. Glorious times.

Didn't take long before everything went tits up again though.

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**A/N: As you can probably tell the only Master stories I've seen are the TV Movie (lulz) and in series 3. And it's been a while since I've seen the end of series 3 so if anything is off then... meh lol. Thanks for the reviews everyone, and... no idea what the next chapter will be about. Daleks maybe? Anything anyone would like to see the TARDIS rant about? :P **


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